Knowing My Heart Will Break
by ThaliaAnderson
Summary: "But if I died protecting you... maybe dying wouldn't be so bad." CoG, Jace wakes up after spending the night with Clary, and sits down to write her a note. Based off: Love Song Requeim - Trading Yesterday


Jace woke before the dawn that morning, and for a moment, he blinked at his surroundings, unsure of where he was. His right arm had fallen completely asleep, so he rolled to his side to shake it awake.

He froze when he saw Clary, hand against her cheek, her fingers intertwined with his. Her red hair spread across the pillow–she looked just like her mother when she slept. Her lips puckered ever so slightly; as if she were a Sleeping Beauty, just waiting for her Prince Charming to come and kiss her awake.

Jace's heart leapt inside of him as he drew in a breath and looked away. He closed his eyes, reliving the memory of the night before; every word, every confession he'd made rushed back to him an in a vivid, haunting memory.

_There is no pretending. I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there's something after that, I will love you then._

He remembered her eyes when he'd said it. Wide, in shock, and what seemed like… fear? Jace knew it wasn't him she'd been scared of–it was knowing that there was absolutely no going back after that. He'd crossed the point of no return, but it didn't matter to him. He was done acting like he didn't love her, acting like it didn't destroy him whenever she caught his gaze and turned away without so much as a smile. But she would smile at Simon. She'd even smile at Sebastian.

Jace clenched his free hand when he thought of the black-haired boy who had killed Max. Killed Hodge. _Tried _to kill Isabelle. Who had said those terrible things about Clary, and had left his blood on her coat as a gross reminder of his existence.

_The thread._

The fair-haired boy gently pulled his hand back from Clary, who frowned in her sleep, ever so slightly. Jace rolled to the left and landed gently on his feet, bare skin touching cold wood. He reached across the bed and lifted Clary's head gently, sliding the pillow they'd been sharing the rest of the way beneath her and laid her back down in the center. She stirred slightly and Jace held his breath as she yawned in response, otherwise unmoving, save for the slow movement of her chest as she breathed.

Jace reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out the bloody thread he'd taken from Clary's coat the night before. Magnus had taught him how to track items, and Jace knew he'd be able to find Sebastian by tracking his blood.

He slipped the thread back into his pocket and hunted around the room for some paper and pen; something to write to Clary on. He stumbled on an old diary that must have belonged to Amatis and carefully ripped out a blank page, knowing Amatis probably wouldn't mind too much. He dug around in Clary's backpack for something to write with and came up with a battered mechanical pencil, with no eraser.

He crawled across the floor and leaned his back against the wall near the window, so he could clearly see Clary's face. He used the diary as a sort of desk to write on, set on his knees. He fumbled with the pencil, clicking it against the paper as he thought of something to say. He had to say _something_. If he just left, Clary would wonder where he had gone, and then gone after him. This was something Jace needed to do himself, and she needed to know that.

He glanced up and stared into the face of his sister, sleeping still so peacefully. His heart jumped again and he quickly looked down; even though she knew he loved her, even thinking about her sent a shiver of shame up and down his spine and he had to swallow back the pain rising in his throat. He gulped hard, feeling the ring around his neck move as his throat contracted. He reached up without thinking and touched the ring, feeling a pang as he realized that it had never belonged to a Wayland–always a Morgenstern. He looked up again at Clary. The ring belonged to her just as much as it did to him. He reached around his neck and pulled the chain from his skin, dangling it in front of his eyes. Carefully, he set it on the ground beside him, turned back to his paper and began to write.

_Despite everything, I can't bear the thought of this ring being lost forever, any more than I can bear the thought of leaving you forever. And though I have no choice about the one, at least I can choose about the other._

_ Clary, I've told you as much as there is to tell last night. There are no secrets now; nothing I've hidden from you that you should know__–__everything that I've said is all there is to say, at least on the subject of how I feel for you. Heaven only knows that there aren't words enough to express everything that I feel; sometimes, it just feels like a heavy rock settling itself in my stomach. Sometimes, it's even pain. Like it just hurts to think about you, and it hurts to know that we can't ever really be together. I don't even know if I'm making any sense._

_ Please believe me when I tell you that leaving you right now, it kills me. But it's something that I have to do. And I'm asking you right now not to come after me, because I just can't stand the idea of you being in danger. _

_ I'm going to find Sebastian. I know how to find him and I know that if we just let him go, he will come back. I know that he wants to get you–he wants to take you to Valentine. If Valentine used you as a bargaining chip, what could the rest of us say? If you were in danger, we would do anything. Anything to save you. I know that last night's conversation may be our last. But if I died protecting you, I don't think dying would be so bad. And if there is a heaven, I'll protect you then as well. I guess that's why I don't mind risking my life so much. I've always been reckless, but since I've met you, I'd go through heaven and hell for you. Under normal circumstances, I would never go into a vampire-infested hotel to save some mundane I hardly knew. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't jump into a Portal without knowing where I was going. But you outweigh all hesitation._

_ I'm sorry if my thoughts seem jumbled. I've never been good at collecting my thoughts and putting them into words, even more so knowing that I may not ever see you again. _

_ Only one more thing is left to say. _

Jace closed his eyes, carefully thinking of what that one last thing may be. There was still so much he wanted to say, to tell her, but those were things that he couldn't say, not ever, given the circumstances. Any other girl. Any other girl, it would have been alright. But not Clary.

_Take care of this ring. It's yours, just as it is mine. And I want you to keep it safe, keep it with you always. I already know that I'd do anything to protect you, and though the ring is not nearly as important to me as you are, knowing that you had it with you is like protecting the two things that I love most. I guess it just makes it easier somehow._

_ I love you, Clary. If there was something––anything that I could do to make it so I could be with you, I would do it. I would go back to being the orphan that I was. Thinking of your dead parents is not nearly as painful as thinking of being without you forever. _

_ Keep yourself safe. _

_ ––Jace_

Jace took a deep breath, folding the paper carefully, ring and chain tucked quietly inside. He got to his feet, stretching his legs after sitting on the floor for so long, and approached the bedside table on Clary's side. He softly set it down, careful to not make any noise, and turned to Clary, who faced away from him, in the same position as when he'd woken up that morning.

He leaned over quietly, just brushing her cheek with his fingertips. He couldn't help himself––he leaned down softly and gently brushed her cheek with his lips. She stirred slightly, her fingers contracting, as if reaching for something that was no longer there. Jace felt his chest clench as he realized that, if he'd been lying beside her still, she would be clinging to his hand.

He leaned back and smiled down at her. "Goodnight," he whispered softly, and finally stole quietly out the window he had climbed into only hours before.

Twenty-four hours later, everything was different.

_Everything_ was different now. In the past day, Jace had learned more than he thought could even be true––thought would be _possible_. And though it scared him, it also lifted his heart, seeing the glimmers of hope––a sight that had long since disappeared from his mind since Renwick's.

_Clary isn't your sister._

_ She isn't your sister._

And now, Jace was standing in front of the man who wasn't his father––had _never_ been his father––wondering in confusion what the sudden pain in his chest was. As Valentine drew back, Jace watched in horror and shock as he withdrew the Mortal Sword from his chest, seeing it covered in blood––_his _blood. He fell to his knees, suddenly unable to hold himself up. He wanted to find Clary, wanted to shout at her and tell her it was going to be alright. But he didn't get the chance. He fell back, landing hard on his back, staring up at the sky. He could feel the light leaving his eyes; feel his breath fading and his heartbeat slowing.

He couldn't remember anything after that. Only that it was dark, and shadows were dancing all around him. At first, he feared they were demons, ready to drag him to hell with them, but he tried to shake the thought away, telling himself over and over that he had angel blood. _Angel _blood.

Somehow, Jace was at peace, even knowing he was dead. He'd died exactly how he'd planned to––protecting Clary. But his heart sunk to think that he'd failed. Valentine was alive; Valentine still had her bound and silent; and Valentine could still summon Raziel and have his fatal wish. If Jace knew how, he would have closed his eyes––but one does not have eyes to close in their eternal sleep. Instead, he stared into the swallowing blackness, wondering if this was the way death felt for eternity, or if maybe there was a heaven that would accept him.

Suddenly, there was a blinding white flash, and in a heartbeat (a regrettable choice of words, Magnus would say), it was gone, as quickly as it had come. The darkness afterwards did not change, but Jace felt that something was different. He waited, and realized the darkness was finally closing in on him. He wanted to cry out, wanted to scream and kick and yell, fight back. But he couldn't––he remained paralyzed. And the same blinding white flash pounded against his eyes, causing purple and yellow spots to appear at the edge of Jace's vision.

Purple and yellow?

Jace blinked. Jace _could _blink. The spots he'd seen were the night sky, dotted with stars. He glanced around him, taking in the surroundings. If there were heaven, then God must have had a sense of humor, to create a dead man's paradise to look like the place he'd died at. But this wasn't heaven. Jace could _breathe_. He felt the dirt between his fingers and he flexed his hands, realizing they still worked. He was _alive_.

He scrambled to his knees, feeling dizzy as his strength slowly returned to him. He looked around in wonder; Valentine was nowhere to be seen. Was he dead? Had he run away? Jace then looked frantically for her; searching around the site for––

_Clary._

He found her lying in a heap, only a yard or so away from him, as if she'd struggled to get to him. Her hands and feet were no longer bound together and the Mark that had been tattooed on the back of her neck had vanished. Forgetting his weakness, Jace leapt to his feet and half-ran, half-fell towards her, falling to the ground on his knees once beside her. He turned her head toward the sky, brushing back her hair from her face. Her eyes were closed and she remained unresponsive, but to Jace's relief, her chest rose and fell with the intake of breath.

"Clary," he said softly. "Clary, please. Clary, open your eyes."

Much to his surprise, she did. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked around in confusion before her eyes settled on his. His chest heaved in an out, relief swelling through him, for more reasons than one.

She reached her hand up and stroked the side of his face gently. He sat beside her, holding her hand close, not wanting to let go. If he could stay in that moment forever, he would have. The way she looked at him, with that bright light illuminating her dark eyes, made Jace's heart flutter for a moment.

"You're alive," she said quietly, smiling slightly.

Jace shook his head in disbelief. "You… you could have asked for anything," he said, hands shaking and he cradled her head in his palms. "You could have had _anything_, and you asked for me."

She smiled again, that smile lighting up the entire darkness around them, and pulled her hand from his, brushing stray hair from Jace's eyes.

"I didn't want anything else."


End file.
